What IS that smell?
by JustOnePogostick
Summary: What is that smell and where is it coming from? And why is Esme googling boarding schools? Ah, it must be that time of year again: Summer Vacation. Three glorious months of fewer cloudy days, cabin fever, and much mayhem. Poor Esme.
1. What IS That Smell?

**A/N: This story is Emmett-centric but Jasper, Reneesme, and Esme play major parts. Carlisle, Rosalie, and Alice have supporting roles.**

**Jacob and Seth put in a brief appearance, but Edward and Bella are absent because, quite frankly, they have four books written about them.**

**Imagine them taking an extended vacation. Without cell phones. Or the internet. Mabye they're in Botswana.**

**ReadEnjoyReview**

**-- if you have the inclination or the time, but above all, I hope you don't feel as if you've wasted your time reading this, esp. those who've put me on author alert.**

**What is That Smell?**

Carlisle followed his wife as she searched around their house, sniffing. "Emse darling, what are you looking for?"

Esme stopped. She turned. "Don't you smell that?"

Carlisle inhaled deeply. "Oh." He frowned. "What is that?" Carlisle had grown accustomed to smelling unpleasant things in his line of work.

He must have unconsciously stopped breathing and that's why he hadn't noticed the putrid smell.

He followed behind Esme as she walked to the family room. Reneesme and Emmett were playing a video game.

"I am so kicking your butt!" Reneesme shouted.

"Only because I'm letting you!" Emmett snarled.

Esme and Carlise grimaced. The smell was even stronger in here. Esme stood next to Emmett and sniffed at him.

Emmett cocked his eyebrow at her. "Something I can help you with, Esme?"

Esme took a step back and covered her nose with her hand. "Emmett, what have you been eating?"

He shrugged. "The usual: grizzlies, moose, elk…"

"Hot dogs," Reneesme chimed in.

"What?" Carlisle asked.

"Nessie and Jake bet me I wouldn't eat hot dogs with… "Emmett took his eyes off the large screen momentarily and looked at Reneesme "…what was that stuff?"

"Sauerkraut," Reneesme said.

"Yeah, sow-er crowt." Emmett said the unfamiliar word slowly, sounding out the syllables. "There was chili. And onions too."

"And you swallowed this? All of this?" Carlisle asked.

"That was the bet. And now Nessie and Jake have to wash and detail my Jeep every day for three months."

Emmett gave Reneesme a wicked grin. "And I plan to go mudding ev-e-ry day for the next three months."

Reneesme rolled her eyes at Emmett.

"Emmett, you did purge? Afterward?" Carlisle asked.

Emmett glanced at Carlisle and then looked away. "Uhhh… well, I tried… but, uh… I…"

Esme said, "You need to try again. Harder. Because you stink."

Emmett sighed and said, "Okay. Right after I annihilate—"

"Now."

Emmett laid his game controller down and shuffled toward the downstairs bathroom, not bothering to close the door.

He lifted the toilet seat and stared down into the bowl of blue water. Why was the water blue?

Emmett lifted the cover on the tank and saw a blue disc attached to a plastic hanger. He sniffed at it.

Must be something to make the toilet smell nice. Nessie was the only person who actually used the toilet. Well, Charlie did, whenever he came to visit.

And Jacob. And Seth. Emmett replaced the cover and leaned over the toilet bowl slightly. He shoved his fore and middle finger down his throat.

Nothing.

Just like two days ago.

He tried again.

Maybe if he hung upside down? Like a bat?

Emmett grinned suddenly at that.

He gave up after the third try.

* * *

Rosalie pushed Emmett away. "What have you been rolling around in?"

Emmett turned his head away from Rosalie. "Nothing." Damn, swallowing all that toothpaste and mouthwash hadn't done anything to mask the smell of decay wafting up from the pit of his stomach.

"Go take a shower. You smell worse than that dog." Rosalie wrinkled her nose and waved Emmett away from her.

Emmett left their room, knowing a shower wasn't going to touch the stench, and knowing he was probably going to have to "sleep" on the sofa.

* * *

The smell threatened to send her to her knees. "Emmett Cullen, what are you looking for? You're making enough noise to wake the dead."

Emmett stopped rummaging through the utensils drawer. "Do we own a turkey baster?"

Esme held her breath and pointed to the drawer farthest from Emmett.

"Yes!" Emmett's grin disappeared when he pulled the turkey baster from the drawer and examined it.

He shoved it down his throat momentarily before withdrawing it. "It's not long enough."

"Stop!"

Emmett's hand froze, hovering over the open drawer.

"Do not put that back in there. Put it in the dishwasher."

* * *

Jasper grabbed Emmett by his shirt and hauled him to his feet. "I can't take this. You have to go outside. You're… the smell…" Jasper pulled Emmett toward the back door.

"I tried to make myself puke, but the gag reflexes don't work anymore. I need some kind of pump… like a bilge pump…"

"Come here." Jasper dragged Emmett toward the outside water faucet.

"Hosing me down isn't going to help. I've tried toothpaste… mouthwash… hell, I even swallowed a whole box of breath mints! Nothing helps."

Jasper handed Emmett the water hose. "Shove that down your throat."

Emmett raised his eyebrows at Jasper.

"Trust me. It's going to work."

Emmett did as Jasper instructed. Jasper turned on the spigot and water blasted down Emmett's throat, filling his stomach, distending his belly

until his stomach reached capacity. Reddish-brown water shot from Emmett's mouth and nostrils, along with chunks of shriveled hot dog, soggy segments of bread,

water-logged sauerkraut and onions. The mints had apparently disintegrated and dissolved under the torrent of water.

Reneesme snapped a picture of Emmett. "Nobody is going to believe this."

She took close-up shots of the disgusting things pouring out of Emmett's mouth. "I can't wait to show these to Jake and Seth."

Emmett grinned around the water hose and held up his thumb until...

he felt water soaking the back of his jeans and running down his legs. Emmett motioned for Jasper to cut off the water.

He yanked out the hose and craned his head around to look at his backside. "Ugh, I hope nothing but water came out back there."

"Why don't you drop trou and see?" Reneesme suggested, waggling her camera in her hand.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you, you pervert?" Emmett turned and sloshed toward the house.

"But it'd make a perfect ending to my photo op," Reneesme shouted. Both she and Jasper laughed.

"Har, har, har." Emmett waved them off. He wanted to moon them both, badly, but resisted against it.

Who knew what else besides water was leaking out of him? And Nessie was a fast draw with that camera.

* * *

**A/N: Oh, it gets more ridiculous, but in a funny way. Apologies for the spacing but I gave up after several fruitless attempts at adding the more eye-pleasing white space.**


	2. Esme's Floors

**A/N: I would have posted this chapter two days ago, but I've been duped and/or frustrated by this tricky system of adding chapters and then trying to edit so it's eye-pleasing. **

**I *think* I have it figured out! (crosses fingers)**

**Esme's Floors**

"Emmett Cullen!"

"I'm in here," Emmett told Esme.

Esme opened the bathroom door, not expecting to see Emmett sitting on the toilet with his jeans and boxers around his ankles.

Esme snapped her eyes shut and slammed the door. "What are you doing?"

Emmett grinned. "What does it look like?"

It looked like he was relieving himself. But he couldn't be because vampires did not need to use the toilet.

"You should lock the door if you're going to do that downstairs. Nessie might walk in and see you."

Esme thought he was…? Emmett laughed. "Esme, I'm not—"

"It's all right Emmett. Just please, next time use your own bathroom."

"Esme, really, I'm not doing what you're thinking. Jasper came up with a way to get rid of all that junk sitting in my stomach.

It kinda of back-fired." Emmett snickered and then snorted. Yeah, it had back-fired all right.

"Is that why I see dirty water all over my floors?"

"I'd offer to clean it up, but I'm not sure how much longer I'll have to sit in here..." _draining._

* * *

Esme located Jasper and Reneesme in the backyard. They were looking at her camera and laughing.

"What's so funny?" She held out her hand and Reneesme gave her the camera. Esme shook her head and sighed.

She silently wondered if it was too late to sign them all up for summer school.

"At least we won't have to smell him anymore," Jasper said.

Esme handed the camera back to Reneesme. "Yes, but did he have to throw up all over my floors?"

Reneesme's mouth twitched. "That stuff? On your floors? It didn't come from his mouth." Reneesme and Jasper burst out laughing.

Emse stared at them until it clicked. Oh. That's why Emmett was sitting on the toilet.

"Somebody is going to clean that filth from my floors."

"One, Two Three, Not it!" Reneesme shouted.

Esme smiled at Jasper. "You know where I keep the mop and cleaning supplies."

Jasper mouthed _cheat_ at Reneesme.

Or it might have been _shit_.

Reneesme didn't care as long as she wasn't the one scrubbing the watery waste from Emmett's ancient bowels off Esme's floors.

* * *

Emmett was bored. How long, exactly, was this going to take? How much water could one stomach and two intestines hold?

He could google it. Wait, no… he couldn't get up without making a mess on Esme's floors.

"I'm bored! Will somebody bring me some magazines or a book."

Emmett saw a magazine slide under the door and he grinned. "Thanks, Nessie."

He heard her shoes squeak and giggling as she ran off.

Emmett flipped open the magazine and discovered it wasn't a magazine. It was a catalogue.

Specifically, a Victoria Secret's catalogue. Emmett grabbed his cell phone and sent Jasper a text message.

Jasper pulled out his cell phone and glanced at the message. "I don't sleep, so you won't be able to shove," Jasper referred to the message, "half a cow down my throat."

Emmett swore. He wondered if vampires were susceptible to the effects of cold or allergy medicine.

He probably wouldn't find an accurate answer to that one on google. Maybe the Denali clan would know.

Nah, they probably wouldn't know anything like that, but the Volturi…

Emmett hung his head. He stared at is lap and was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea.

* * *

Rosalie said, "Alice will you answer that. It's Emmett. See what he wants."

Alice plucked Rosalie's phone from her purse as Rosalie admired herself in the full length mirror.

Alice pushed back the bridal veil she had on so she could look at the message: A photo message.

"Wow."

Rosalie turned, the bridal gown swishing as the layers slid against one another. "What?"

She reached for her phone. Rosalie glanced at the picture Emmett had sent. She deleted it and said, "Sorry about that, Alice." She quickly typed in a reply.

Emmett read the message and chuckled. Next time he'd send a disclaimer: For Rosalie's Eyes Only.

He wasn't worried though. Alice had seen it before and the shocked look on her face had been priceless. Emmett typed in a message.

Alice handed Rosalie the phone. "I think you'd better answer it this time."

Rosalie let out an annoyed sigh and scanned the message. She tossed her phone at her purse.

"Emmett wants to know if it's as impressive as the first time you saw it."

Alice pulled out her own phone and sent Emmett a reply.

Emmett read Alice's message and typed: YOU LIE

Alice sent back: Ask him yourself


	3. 7 is More Impressive

**Seven is More Impressive**

Emmett shouted, "Hey Jasper, come over here!"

"I'm busy, cleaning and sanitizing Esme's floors."

"Okay, but… I thought you might like to know what Alice just told me in the text message I just received."

Emmett grinned when he heard Jasper at the door in under two-tenths of a second.

"Why is she sending you a text message?" Jasper looked at his own phone.

Alice hadn't called or sent him a message all day. He hadn't expected any; she and Rosalie were shopping.

"I sent Rose a pic of… you know. And Alice saw it."

Jasper leaned against the door, smirking. "Yeah, so?" He knew where this was going.

"So, she said she'd never seen a bigger one. Outside of porn."

"Really? She said that, huh?" Jasper sent Alice a message. He read her reply and chuckled.

Alice read Jasper's message: Em tells me you said his boy is bigger than mine

Alice scrolled through her messages and sent Jasper the one she had sent to Emmett: 7 is more impressive than 6.5

"What are you laughing at?" Emmett asked, hovering over the toilet bowl to see if he had finally stopped draining.

"Seven," Jasper said.

Emmett sat back down on the toilet seat. "What?"

"The answer to your question."

_The hell it is!_ "I don't believe you. Prove it."

"What are the two of you going on about?" Esme had stopped on her way to the kitchen to help Reneesme make lunch.

"Nothing," Jasper said innocently, "just talking about horse power, right Em?"

Esme smiled, oblivious to the fact that Jasper was taunting Emmett. "Are you doing all right in there Emmett? Can I get you anything?"

"Some books and magazines would be appreciated. I've already read the one Jasper gave Nessie to give to me."

"Let me check on Reneesme first."

* * *

Emmett amused himself by counting the drips until her smelled Jacob at the door.

"Hey, Jacob, help me out and slide some sports magazines under the door. Esme forgot about me."

"I can do better than that." Jacob opened the door and tossed something inside before walking away, snickering.

Emmett reached for the package with his fingertips and pulled it toward him: adult diapers.

* * *

Reneesme, Jacob, and Seth stopped talking and stared at Emmett as he sauntered into the kitchen.

Emmett grinned at Jacob. "You're a genius. These things are great."

Jacob smiled and glanced around at Seth and Reneesme. "You…you're actually wearing them?" The three started laughing uncontrollably.

"It beats sitting on the toilet all day, bored out of my mind, when I could be out ooooh, I don't know…mudding?"

That stopped them laughing. Emmett's grin widened into a smile. "Better hurry up and get out there, kiddies… before the mud bakes on.

I parked her in a sunny spot. Just. For. You." Emmett winked at them.

* * *


	4. Showdown

**Showdown**

"Emmett, what are you looking for now?"

The sound of Emmett pawing through the junk drawer for the past ten minutes was grating on her nerves.

She was already on edge because Nessie, Jacob, and Seth had somehow managed to get mud from Emmett's Jeep

all over themselves, the driveway, and the front of the house, the windows…

"I need to measure something," Emmett said.

"There's a ruler in Carlisle's desk. I'm sure he won't mind if you borrow it."

Emmett shook his head. "No, I need something less rigid."

"Is the measuring tape not in the garage?"

"I need one of those soft tapes, the kind tailors use."

"I have one in my sewing box. I'll get it for you."

* * *

Emmett let the measuring tape uncoil in front of Jasper's face. He waved it.

Jasper looked up from his book at Emmett. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Most definitely."

Jasper set aside his book and got up. "Are you certain you'd rather not cling to your illusions?"

Emmett _pfft'd_. "I think Alice's sense of proportions is off. Way off."

Emmett wiggled his fingers. "She's got little hands."

Emmett studied the front of Jasper's jeans. "There is no way you're packing 7 in there."

Jasper laced his fingers together and cracked his knuckles. "How are we measuring this?"

Emmett waved the blue plastic tape in front of Jasper.

Jasper gave Emmett a patient look. "Soft or hard?"

Emmett hadn't considered that. "Hard."

Jasper nodded, and then raised his eyebrows. "Length only?"

"Hell, no!"

Jasper suppressed a smile. Emmett had walked into it this time.

Emmett smirked. Okay, maybe, maybe Jasper wasn't exaggerating too much about the 7 inches,

but Emmett knew it had to be pathetically thin if it was that long.

Emmett clapped his hands together and rubbed them. "Let's get started."

Emmett unbuttoned and unzipped his pants.

Jasper looked away as Emmett reached inside his pants.

"You could give a guy some kind of warning before you decide to whip it out like that."

Emmett rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Jeez, and I thought Special Ed was the prude.

If it bothers you so much, go to your bathroom."

Emmett closed his eyes and pictured Rosalie jumping up and down in a cheerleading outfit. On his lap.

"The only thing that bothers me is how unconcerned you are about doing this in front of another man."

Jasper pulled down the zipper on his jeans.

"It's not like we're doing it to each other. We're in the same room. That's all. Now stop talking. Your manly voice is screwing with my concentration."

* * *

The sales lady tapped Alice's shoulder. "Are you all right, dear?"

Alice's eyes became focused. "Yes." She giggled. "You caught me daydreaming. I know it's silly… "

"Not at all." The sales lady shook her gray-haired head. "This looks gorgeous on you.

You're an angel." She looked at Alice's image in the mirror. "He's a lucky man."

Rosalie glared. "I'm the one who's getting married, not her."

"It's never too early to start planning, dear." She patted Alice's forearm.

Alice was glad she'd decided to try on the elbow-length gloves.

Alice gave the sales woman a guilty smile. She pulled off the left glove and held up her hand.

"I see. And so young?"

Alice heard the unspoken question. She wished Edward was here so she could ask him

exactly what the lady was thinking.

"We couldn't wait. We're madly in love," Alice said breathlessly.

Rosalie made gagging noises.

The sales lady looked uncomfortable. "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you

dears. I'll be right over here."

"What did you see?" Rosalie asked. Her tone told Alice she wasn't really interested.

Alice skipped over to Rosalie and Rosalie leaned down so Alice could whisper in her ear.

Rosalie straightened up and rolled her eyes. "Seriously?"

Alice nodded, chewing on her lip, trying not to laugh out loud.

* * *

Emmett ran out the measuring tape and they both looked down at it: 6.5. He wrapped it around: 5.75.

He handed the tape over to Jasper and carefully pulled up his pants.

"Are you sure about this?" Jasper asked.

"Just do it," Emmett said.

Jasper ran out the measuring tape: 7.

"Damn," Emmett whispered.

Jasper smirked at Emmett.

He wrapped it around: 6.

Emmett stood up and whistled. "How the hell does little Alice take in all that?"

He pulled out his cell phone and sent Alice a message.

"She's very flexible." Jasper pulled up his pants, gingerly packing in everything.

* * *

Alice raced to her phone and read Emmett's message. Rosalie saw Alice's reflection as

she was contemplating the fit of the dress she had put on: Alice was frowning. "Is Jasper

trying to guilt you into coming home early so you can help him take care of his little—

excuse me, I mean his big problem?" Rosalie let out a throaty laugh.


	5. Antartica

**Do They Have Boarding Schools in Antartica?**

Carlisle carried his briefcase to the bedroom and changed his clothes

before locating Esme in the kitchen on the computer.

He glanced at the webpage on the screen as he leaned down to kiss her.

"Who are we threatening to send to boarding school this time?"

"What is it about summer vacation?" Esme asked, exasperated.

Carlisle sat on the bar stool next to Esme and rested his chin on her shoulder.

"Tell me what happened."

Esme told Carlisle about Jasper's plan, her floors, and the mud from Emmett's Jeep.

"But the highlight of my day was listening to Emmett and Jasper prove to each other

who has the biggest penis."

Carlisle sat straight up. "They did what?"

"In case you're wondering, it's Jasper."

Carlisle stood up. "Where are they now?"

"Emmett is out buying me a new measuring tape… after he burns the one I loaned to him.

I don't know where Jasper went. He was mortified when he found out I heard

them…you know." Esme made the gesture with her hand. Carlisle's eyes widened.

They heard Emmett's Jeep pulling into the garage.

Carlisle sped outside and stood in front of Emmett's path. "Explain yourself."

"We didn't know she could hear us," Emmett said. A lame excuse, but it was better than

the truth. And Carlisle didn't look like he was in the mood to hear the truth.

"You'll have to do better than that. You know Esme can hear everything, everything,

that goes on in that house."

"Yeah, we know that, but we kinda forgot about her… but only for a minute," Emmett added

quickly when he saw the angry set to Carlisle's jaw. "We were caught up in the spirit of competition."

"So I heard." Carlisle gave Emmett a look of disgust. "What happened to friendly competitions like

arm wrestling, foot races, board games, video games…don't you own all the newest video systems and games?"

"You know how it is," Emmett said in a low voice, "when Alice told me—"

"Alice was involved in this?" The look on Carlisle's face was incredulous.

"She was the one who suggested I ask Jasper...," Emmett shrugged,"… it was a domino effect after that."

Carlisle said, "I want you to apologize to Esme and—"

"Sorry, Esme!"

Carlisle sighed. "Like a gentleman."

Emmett wrinkled his brow.

"Walk in the house, stand in front of her, and apologize for your lewd behavior."

"Should I apologize for messing up her floors, too?

That one wasn't really my fault, though—it was Jasper's idea to run the water hose down my gullet…

he should have thought that one through—"

"Emmett, please," Carlisle interrupted, holding up his hand.

Emmett saw Esme sitting at the kitchen island, her fingers flying along and across the computer keyboard.

He walked up behind her, wrapped his massive arms around her tiny frame and squeezed her,

lifting her slightly from the stool in the process. "Sorry Jasper and I embarrassed you."

"Emmett, you're squishing me," Esme said.

Emmett let go and backed off. "Am I forgiven?"

Esme glanced over her shoulder at him. "I'll think about it."

Emmett stepped closer and kissed her on the cheek. His gaze fell on the computer screen.

"Are you and Carlisle planning a trip to Antartica?"

Esme smiled. "Maybe."

"Cool. I'm going to go shoot some zombies."

Emmett reached into his front pocket and laid a small plastic package on the kitchen island.

"I almost forgot…here's your new measuring tape."

He left the kitchen and made his way to the family room and the games systems.

Esme quickly located the link she had found earlier: an application for a student research assistant in Antartica.

* * *

**A/N: I'm tempted to end this story with this scene b/c nothing else is coming to me. If anyone has any suggestions for additional scenes, I'm willing to try to write them.**


End file.
